Damn It - Being an Ass Again

Why is gratitude so difficult to remember in the throes of day-to-day life?  Such an ass I can be.  Yesterday I volunteered at a shelter - food prep and serving.  I wish I could say I do this often, but truth is that I don't.  On a day like that, it is easy to remember gratitude.  Grateful for much of my life, for unspeakable gifts, grateful for people I cherish, grateful that I am one of the 2% who survive Sudden Cardiac Arrest.  I remembered  all that yesterday.

Then forward 24 hours and I have forgotten it.  All of it.  Every last bit.  Today I was frazzled and bitching - I have a joint flare, can't exercise, working hard and intensely to make up for not having worked hard last week,struggling with upcoming trip arrangements.  And then, the proverbial capper.... a friend has done me a great kindness and I realized with a start that I needed to go out to dreaded stores and get a gift.  That REALLY annoyed me - having to shop 3 days before Christmas - I just forgot somehow that it was shopping because of a wonderful, unexpected kindness.

And then the last bit of the day - I grew progressively more annoyed at how much effort, how many phone calls, how many fax attempts it was taking to get a Cayman condo stocked for our arrival in a couple days.  Embarrassing, but true; I was fizzing because I needed to be sure that there was beer and wine on arrival - and not one single moment later.  Embarrassing to say that it seemed an actual urgency, if not bona fide crisis.

People don't have jobs or have jobs they hate or jobs that don't pay enough.  People don't have homes or don't have the right one or are in danger of losing it.  Life smacks people around.  My heart stopped without symptom or warning -  and I didn't die.

My only hope is that I can learn to remember gratitude as quickly as I forget it.  Ridiculous.  That is me in the photo.