Ultimately, fear is now fear of dying. As adults, we think of death as an abstract eventuality. Then the SCA arrives in our life, and death becomes far more concrete. It is now a reality, not merely a "someday" idea. It becomes an "any day, maybe even today" fact.
Perhaps this new reality with death changes what fear feels like. In parts of my life, I ignore risk - perhaps even more since the SCA. I went snorkeling alone in the Caribbean over Christmas - more than once. At one moment, I felt unnerved, but I did not consider NOT doing it.
Then there is what should be the lesser fear, things you KNOW do not present imminent physical risk. But even knowing there is not risk of actual physical death, I swear it feels the same. Standing here on the precipice (so to speak) looking at the abyss that is a potential relationship - it strikes. Like a relationship could kill you, or worse yet, just idea that one day there may be the potential for a relationship - even this feels like it might be fatal. And this is not the small, manageable kind of fear that you control by taking a deep breath or two. This is the big stuff; it is the fear that causes your throat to constrict, produces whatever the emotional equivalent is of a car's screaming from slammed-on brakes. This is the fear that reduces action to baby steps at best. This is half a step forward, five bounding, rapid steps back. This is not a pretty sight.
I'm terrified. Not liking it.
I think I'll get there. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't know. I fear that when my time arrives for a relationship that I will have raced for the exit at even the idea of a possibility. People scare me - I think that's the truth.
Put this on the "to do" list for tomorrow - learn to love emotional terror.
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