It's Anxiety Day

Not sure why; sometimes this Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) anxiety just comes out of nowhere. Physically, I've  been fine, active, chugging right along.  Visiting the INSPIRE website for SCA  is usually a positive experience for me; we take natural human comfort in finding and interacting with our communities, be they actual or virtual.  We find people with more issues than we have and we find those with fewer.  We offer a hand; we tentatively put forth something we hope might help or be insightful - and we seek the same.

SCA is like many things - it's tough, it's frightening. For most of us, it came from nowhere - your heart stops without diagnosis or warning - and you come back. Well, some tiny percentage of us comes back.  Many get an implanted defibrillator (ICD); mine is Skippy.

My relationship with Skippy is complex; I love having him in there - laying in wait to come to my rescue.  But I am frightened of him; he comes to the rescue with a shock - a big, bad, painful, terrifying shock.  I haven't had one (yet) and I may never have one. Or I could have one 10 minutes from now.  No-one can say.

Today, the Inspire site filled me with anxiety.  I read one too many stories about people and their ICD shocks. And the accompanying pain and terror.  Some shocked once (appropriately), more than one shocked over 50 times in rapid succession (maybe or maybe not appropriately).  Envisioning that has freaked me out. (I can just hear my friend J. saying -- the answer is simple - don't read these things.... He sees causality in a creative kind of way...)

I'm going to the beach now. I never go during the mid-day in the summer. But I am going now for a walk. Cell phone in hand.  Just in case.
Crap.

P.S. I found the above cartoon in a 10 second google search. It's already made me feel better.
P.P.S.  The cartoon is used courtesy of www.nataliedee.com

Celebratory Anxiety or Anxious Celebration

I must admit that I am still not feeling celebratory. Skippy's (the defibrillator's) first birthday is around the corner (September 5). I fully expected to feel joyful, and thought I'd be planning a gratitude-filled celebration. However, while it certainly has been on my mind relentlessly in the past week or two, instead of that joy, I continue to feel anxious.

This anxiety is not rational (is any?). It's out of character for me to dwell on what I cannot control or impact, but I continue to dwell on that morning one year ago. I want there to be cause and effect for the Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA); I want there to have been undeniable signs and symptoms that morning that would have anyone,anywhere seek medical attention. Every now and then, I also just wish it had never happened, but truthfully, not too much of that.


Every now and then I think "why me?" but not often. Recently, I had to listen to an acquaintance who has subjected his body to massive abuse for decades tell me he came through his physical with flying colors. Annoying, while I prepare to mark the date of my implanted defibrillator. But these are not the dominant thoughts; these pass quickly. The 'why me?' question also passes or dissolves quickly into thoughts of my gifts - decent IQ, good hair -- what we inherit is a crap shoot, so I don't muse often or for long about getting a raw deal with SCA.

But the anxiety is from there having been no known reason and even more frightening, no compelling symptoms or signs. All I had that morning was an unnerving sensation that something was weird in my chest (turned out to be rapid heart rate). My going to the ER was just very, very lucky. I've had loved ones tell me that I went because I was intelligent enough to recognize that something very out of the ordinary was happening. I was there that morning, and I just don't think it was a decision based on IQ level.

It was instinct; it was fear of the unknown; it was something that got me to the ER.
So I am wrestling these days with the anxiety of the lack of a known cause for the SCA, no available prediction on recurrence, a complete lack of understanding of why I went to the ER and therefore survived, and having no confidence I would recognize a sign/symptom again.

But aside from all that, I'm looking forward to 9/5. that was pure sarcasm; I am just looking forward to having the date in my rear view mirror. This is not fun.