My New Heart

Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) changes everything.    At first, in my I-love-denial way, I  insisted that the SCA had little impact on my life.  In retrospect, clearly insane.    People like me have SCA when their risk of developing heart disease in the next 10 years hovers at 1% (Framingham).     But you wake up one day and some doctor is telling you that your heart had stopped, three shocks with the paddles, and it could happen again (or not).   Oh yeah, by the way, we are putting a defibrillator into your chest wall with wires into your heart.   Your actual heart.   And I am to see myself as lucky.  

 But me – I decide that nothing had really changed.  I may be brave, but I am nuts. 

It changes everything;  bit by bit, you examine everything.    And as we wind through that slow gentle upheaval,  we tell ourselves the truth about things we have long avoided.  Or perhaps it’s the lifting of clouds, fog and veil.   And I had grown very comfortable with my  fog and veil when it came to relationships.  I didn’t want to see what I could have seen.    I had adopted a persona and self-image I could live with.  Now, it’s a new heart and it’s a new life and that comfort slides away bit by bit.   There is discomfort, there is excitement, there is fear, there’s a sense the planet went wobbly --- but there is a certainty and a peace.  An uneasy peace, but peace nonetheless.  I won’t settle for what I had settled for; I won’t repeat what I had already repeated.   

Every relationship in my life is now different; some slightly and some enormously.  What I will look for, what I give, what I will accept, what I seek  – all different.  And I have come to terms with some of the nasty, sharp, jagged truths about my past choices.  I am guilty of what I blamed others for – they are, after all,  what I chose.   I chose those with whom I did not have to risk the most terrifying of all our states - intimacy. They were incapable of it; I was off the hook.

No more.  Not with this new heart.  I may be nuts, but I am brave.   I will have what I should have.  Me and my new heart.

What Happens When Your Heart Stops

Recently, someone asked me this question:  "What happened when your heart stopped"?  I have been asked many questions since the Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) in 2009, but not quite that one.  There was part of me that wanted to respond: "Nothing much."  But that's not the nicest part of me; that part is a tad sarcastic, so I refrained.

After a second or two, I realized they were asking (with the best of intentions) what I felt or what I remember that I felt as the arrest happened.  So I recounted:  I was sitting there staring at a wall across the way, my vision went to a tunnel and I was out. The next thing I remember was waking up with a whole bunch of very loud people scurrying about, trying to put an oxygen mask on my face (that I wasn't having any of), telling me I was OK.  Well, aside from the fact that you have no idea what happened  -- you are pretty sure it was NOT ok - that was about it.  That is all I remember.  I have no recollection of the three shocks with the paddles or any of the rest of it.

As the arrest happened, my vision went to a tunnel.  (Many months later, I learned from a Sanjay Gupta, MD television special that there is a reason for the tunnel.  Apparently, the retina is exceptionally sensitive to the loss of blood flow, so darkness arrives in that last second of consciousness.
But I report, I did not see a bright light, I did not see a halo, I did not see Mom motioning me from the other side.
My only memory is going out with that tunnel.

So "what happens when your heart stops?"  Hell if I know.  And not all that eager to find out.

Loss

Is there such a thing as good loss?  We lose loved ones, we lose keys, we lose our looks, we lose pets, we lose our marbles.  This is a week of loss.  It seems I have lost a friend, always a sad turn of events. This one is particularly sad; it wasn't a notably complicated relationship, but it was invariably fun and engaging.  Well, truth be told, it was a little more complicated than that.  But it also was one formed in the aftermath of the Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA); I healed and learned to live with this in the context of that friendship.   It's just one of those twists and turns that life sends your way; life brings new friends and occasionally trips you up and sends one prematurely packing.  I wish it were different, but the circumstances of this demise are such that there is nothing I can do.

At least I didn't lose a heartbeat again.  I need always remember; everything is manageable so long as we don't lose that damn heartbeat.

Oh wait - there is good loss - I had an excellent weight loss week.  "There you have it" - I lost a friend, I lost my keys, I lost a book, I did not lose a heart beat and I lost a few pounds.  I think I'd trade for my friend back.

Setbacks

Setbacks are tough; I'm not ready for them.

I was feeling pretty good about my coping skills; I knew the return to full strength (exercising, driving, golf, etc.) would take time. I accepted that. I got the walking up to around 30-35 minutes - not fast, but better than a stroll. And I rode my bike as far as my office (2 1/2 miles or so) - again, not fast, but it felt so wonderful to have even that independence . (Can't drive for 62 more days due to having lost consciousness).

Then I started cardiac rehab; the MD wants me to exercise, but only in a 'supervised environment". with the full monitoring jazz. I was excited to start. Up on the elliptical, one of my favorite machines, and starting to actually break a sweat for the first time (well, first time from EXERCISE anyway) and I got a fullness feeling in my chest. Not pain, not pressure, just full.

They made me stop, called the MD, they made me come right over.

Now I am on a "no exercise" regime - nothing, not even walking. They want a new cath ASAP to make sure something else hasn't happened. So the cath is Monday. But it was the closest I have come to being depressed. Crap - there are a bunch of 75 year olds with CHF and multiple CABG's in there exercising but I CAN't? So frustrating. Depressing.

I'm afraid I was short with my driver, or at least odd. I was on the verge of tears on the ride home, and I just hate being upset in public.... He was wonderful; he did full-on distraction. I love this driver. Did not want to cry.

Better today, but still just having trouble with it.

Setbacks suck. But it was probably unrealistic to expect to head through this journey without some.

Fingers crossed for monday.

First Ten MInutes - the start

Why the name?

I recently lived through an episode of "Sudden Cardiac Arrest" - I survived it because I happened to be in a hospital Emergency Room when it happened.

I was admitted for a few days of tests, procedures, monitoring and finally the insertion of my very own pacemaker/defibrillator.

On the morning of discharge, my very witty Cardiologist/electrophysiologist stopped by:

Him: How was your night?

Me: Fine.

Him: Did you sleep OK?

Me: Fine. Like a log.

Him: No problems with your heart?

Me: No. I haven't had any problems with my heart since I've been here.

Him: Well, except for those first ten minutes.............

Check back - this will be a journey of discovery, battle, adjustment, balance. Oh, and learning to accept some facts I just don't care for.

Marty

September 14, 2009