I have always envied those with long legs, good singers, 20/20 vision - the normal list. I have envied those with that absolute, rock-solid, unquestioning faith. Faith in whatever - God, church, the power of donuts - absolute faith. I have never had it and never will. I am a questioner, and was - even as a kid. I remember the nuns "explaining" the Holy Trinity - Father, Son, Holy Ghost. I didn't buy it - it's three or it's one - it cannot be both (literal even at a young age). Challenged the nuns, then the parents, finally a priest. Always the same answer - what I came to see as the ultimate punt - "Marcia, it's a divine mystery that Catholics just believe". I envy those who believe that sort of thing. So simple, so comforting to them, or so it seems.
I envy fast metabolisms. I envy people who naturally eat only when hungry. I envy smooth, easy, powerful golf swings. Still envy long legs.
And now a new one. Well, two. I envy people whose hearts have not taken to randomly stopping, that's for sure. But I now also envy those with weaker memories. (Apologies to my SCA anoxic brain injury friends). I have long relied on what has been an excellent memory - it got me through college, has been extremely useful in the career, helped me win more than a fair share of marital arguments, and was the key to passing multiple bar exams. Now I want a lousy memory. At least selectively. We all have moments of agonizing regret - you don't get into your 5th decade without regret - I would like to forget two moments in my life. Two days. I can't eradicate the events, but I would like to eradicate the memory.
One was long, long ago - I was a teen, and I wronged a friend. It remains the worst thing I have ever done to another person. I have come to terms with it, but I wish I could also simply fail to remember it. I remember every moment of that day, and I would rather not.
Then the second, more recent - I harmed only me. My failure here was in not tending my self-respect, in making a set of poor choices and emotional investments, in yielding when I should not yield, in taking far less than I deserved, in allowing denial to take charge for hours, or maybe it was even weeks. Guilty of not outgrowing certain impulses, of being f__ing human. I would like a mulligan, a do-over. But I can't change it, I can't fix it - I accept that. But I would greatly prefer not to remember it. The guy (oh, of course it's a guy) has almost certainly forgotten what pieces he remembered; his memory is astonishingly porous. Mine is not. I remember every single minute of that day. And I would rather not. I'd like an eraser please.
I'd rather not remember.
I envy and wish for a crappy memory for the first time in my life. Or at least a selectively crappy one.
The antidote for envy is gratitude; I'll be working on that.
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