Friday, October 2, 2009

Gratitude remembered

WEll, happy to say I finished the self-pity reflected in the last post.
I spoke (or e-spoke) with a Richmond friend who works for the Medical Examiners office. She knows all about SCA, they see it all the time in their office. But of course, those folks have no setbacks, no depression, no disappointments.
No heart beats.

I am unbelievably lucky to be here. A setback is just a setback. I still have a heartbeat....


Setbacks are tough; I'm not ready for them.
I was feeling pretty good about my coping skills; I knew the return to full strength (exercising, driving, golf, etc.) would take time. I accepted that. I got the walking up to around 30-35 minutes - not fast, but better than a stroll. And I rode my bike as far as my office (2 1/2 miles or so) - again, not fast, but it felt so wonderful to have even that independence . (Can't drive for 62 more days due to having lost consciousness).

Then I started cardiac rehab; the MD wants me to exercise, but only in a 'supervised environment". with the full monitoring jazz. I was excited to start. Up on the elliptical, one of my favorite machines, and starting to actually break a sweat for the first time (well, first time from EXERCISE anyway) and I got a fullness feeling in my chest. Not pain, not pressure, just full.
They made me stop, called the MD, they made me come right over.

Now I am on a "no exercise" regime - nothing, not even walking. They want a new cath ASAP to make sure something else hasn't happened. So the cath is Monday. But it was the closest I have come to being depressed. Crap - there are a bunch of 75 year olds with CHF and multiple CABG's in there exercising but I CAN't? So frustrating. Depressing.
I'm afraid I was short with my driver, or at least odd. I was on the verge of tears on the ride home, and I just hate being upset in public.... He was wonderful; he did full-on distraction. I love this driver. Did not want to cry.
Better today, but still just having trouble with it.

Setbacks suck. But it was probably unrealistic to expect to head through this journey without some.
Fingers crossed for monday.