Not Yielding to the SCA - Or Not Quite, Anyway

I spent last week in a relatively isolated area of Grand Cayman - my first real vacation since the Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) in 9/2009.  Reluctantly, I had resigned myself to no more Scuba diving; I was determined to learn to love snorkeling.  Around mid-week, I wondered if I had made a mistake with a tropical vacation; I love diving in the Caribbean; I missed it again and again.

I snorkeled a fair amount, both from shore and from boats.  It was better than NOT being on a reef, but I think those who say snorkeling is as good or better than diving probably don't actually love diving.

It was difficult to be around the diving world.  I realized that it is not merely the visual underwater experience I miss. (although the visual is astounding; the peeking into crevices and finding living surprises; the serenity and other-worldliness of it; the sight of a shark; the joy of swimming for a moment alongside a turtle; the shock in seeing that seahorses are real;  being filled with the sense that we are visiting their world).  But I also miss the dive boats, the camaraderie, the swapping of stories and the day's sights, (I have heard some of the best jokes of my life during dive surface intervals) -- and the sheer physical exhaustion at the end of a 3-dive day - I missed all of it.  It's a small club and all of a sudden my membership got yanked.  At the end of the week, in my 5 condo complex, there were BC's and other scuba gear hanging over railings drying out for the flights home.  It was a physical yearning for me.  Over and over.

I am reconsidering selling my equipment.  I'm working on a new plan.  It may be a stupid plan, but it's a different approach.  I have set some health goals for myself this year; if I can reach them, I will talk to my cardiologist again about diving.  There is a Scuba medical organization (DAN) that offers physicians consultations about specific cases.  Somehow I think my case is worth that process; I am an unusual SCA survivor.  Well, truth be told,  every SCA survivor is unusual.   But I did not suffer heart damage; that puts me into the minority of the minority who live through the SCA.

I know it's nuts.  The implanted defibrillator is not tested at depth greater than 40 feet.  But the health goals are good regardless.  It's a wonderful motivator, a world class motivator; if I don't meet those health goals, I won't consider diving.  If I do reach them and still can't dive - well, I'll be a more fit snorkeler.

I can't say 'never' on diving; I honestly tried, and I simply cannot.

Wrestling with Anxiety -

Anxiety seems nearly ever-present these days. It's understandable, of course, I had "sudden cardiac arrest" without a known cause; I have a new implanted device that should prevent it, but it's all of 10 days old --- so anxiety is normal.

But I have long believed that for the most part, fear is something to be beaten. I remember when I was certified as a diver - you take all the training, do all the practice and then you dive in the scary deep sea. So you do your safety checks, you stand at the back of the boat and literally take a giant stride in the ocean. Giving up your air.

On my "checkout dive" - the virgin scuba dive, a number of the people who were to go did not - could not, they were just too afraid. Several others did one dive but not the second. I remember thinking - all that training, all that expense of time and money and fear won. For something like that - a first scuba dive - or like this, the first time you exercise hard after a SCA - there is no such thing as "ready". You can do all the prep, and take all the precautions and then there is just you and your "giant stride".

Fear can't win. I rode my bike for 35 minutes, a little hard, just a little - with a helmet --- but I did it!

Fear appropriately made me take precautions - the helmet, the moderate pace - but fear was beaten; it will not deprive me of a favorite past-time.